There’s much thinking out loud ahead, but I’m sharing this as I know others may also experience this, or may have further help & encouragement to offer.
I feel incredibly inadequate for what God seems to be calling me to. I constantly have to remind myself that this calling may not come “before I’m ready,” & that God will equip me; but being honestly unhappy with many things in my life right now makes waiting hard as well! Don’t get me wrong, there are things I’m happy about & looking forward to currently — even if some of them are truly bittersweet — but I’m just feeling as I’m feeling lately & I find I can’t change that easily.
At these times, I think: I’ve only been a Christian for a year, I’m female, I lack knowledge of tech stuff, I can’t sing as well as I’d like, I don’t have the piano skills I need, I don’t play guitar, & flute (which is what my degree is in) won’t work for leading worship… So you can see now that I’m overwhelming myself & allowing the discouragement to flood in.
I amuse myself — So easily I can counteract such thoughts! After all, God will truly get the glory as I need Him all the more in my weaknesses. & there are other things too — like condemning myself probably far too often for even the littlest mistakes I make in life in general. But yet, the negative feelings don’t go away as fully as I’d like them to; the worries leave at times, but only to return.
FAITH IS NOT A FEELING! How often I tell myself this during the times I feel unloved, worth no good thing, or just feel that this is impossible (& I think I feel this way far too often!) & too often I am probably much too hard on myself, & I just can’t seem to beat it! I’m running in circles, afraid of being distanced from God, when I’m probably not doing much of anything I should be worrying about most of the time! I have a repentant heart, but I can’t help but wonder if I go too far!
Today during our second service, I just felt the need to pray alone & allow God to speak to me in the midst of it all. I found a Bible & flipped to John 3 to remind myself that God’s Word is truth & how I feel often is not.
John 3:17 (NIV) brought a bit of peace:
For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.
The Message expresses it this way:
God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending His Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.
Condemnation is NOT of God — I’m either doing it to myself, or Satan is trying to discourage me through such condemnation. God would never condemn His children, but loves us, & only lovingly disciplines. But the hard part is the negative feelings that don’t seem to completely go away…
Of course I have things to work on, we all do! But there’s no reason to condemn myself, & even if I can’t make the feelings go away, I must choose to take God at His Word because His Word is truer than how I feel.
But of course… the feelings are what irritate me, & all this is easier said than done! That, my friends (or those of you who have stuck with me this long — thank you!), is my current frustration!